Soulful journey, only without a GPS

At the start of of this third week, was feeling good and felt that I was on path of what others told me to expect.  First third of these 800kms/500 mi would be physically exhausting, second third mentally, and final third spiritually enlightening.  But yet, even though I was passing by my physical exhaustion marker, albeit after a short rest period from severe blisters, I was still enjoying my “vacation” through the Spanish countryside.  Why not, as I was seeing new sights, meeting new people, and finding new funny anecdotes to write about. This spiritually challenging and enlightening I was told of still seemed as distant a reality as the end of this Camino itself.  Couldn’t see either on my horizon.

Then came day 17, where I was expecting to walk my longest day at 37 kms/23 mi, finishing in Carrion.  It was on this day that I was told of my mother passing away her morning.  Now found myself planning how to pause my Camino as I temporarily returned to Lima for her funeral expected a few days later.  After discussions with my family later that day, however, we all agreed that the best option was for me to continue towards my final destination of Santiago de Campostela (still 400 kms away).

While deeply saddened of my family’s loss, I felt confident that my mother would have wanted me to push ahead.  My niece in Lima and I agreed that on the Thursday, day 19, she would call me from the funeral so I could say a prayer in her honour at he local church in the small rural town of Bercianos.  I said my farewells and imagined I was with my family, all grieving over the loss of our mother.

Clearly the Camino must think I’m one bad ass as only hours after my pulling myself up from my mother’s funeral half a world away, I now learned that my brother in Miami’s wife, Paloma, had just passed away following her 13 year battle with breast cancer.  I found myself mourning more than most people should ever comprehend.  I felt for my mother, and now for my brother Jorge and his two wonderful adult children; Rodrigo and Ximena.

While I was reaching out to travel agents to be in Miami with my brother and his family, my brother reached out to me saying how he and Paloma would both want me to finish my Camino without delay or interruption.  Like my family, they too know of how important this Camino is for me and my desire to find my north once again.

I was touched and honoured that those close to me understood the importance that the Camino holds for me. But equally, I was somewhat intimidated as I was no longer walking alone.  I had the spirits of two great women overhead; my beautiful mother and my equally beautiful sister in law, Paloma.  Failure is not an option, even though I know their wish is nothing other than that for my well being.

As for me and what the past few days have taught me is quite simple; time is a luxury which we all too often naively take for granted.  We expect we have enough, and what time we are given can be spent in the manner we see fit.  Clearly this isn’t the case.  Fate and circumstances remind us that whatever plans we may hold, at best, they’re just our desire.  Life has her own plans, and not always shall these two meet.

Imagine how thankful, however, I feel that not only had I decided to leave the work which I loved to find my north again, but in doing so was gifted precious time to spend time with my mother, my brother and sister in law, my sister, and meeting Coco in Lima.  Each day before my starting the Way of St James was a true gift.  It took the Camino, however, for me to realise just how truly blessed I was to spend some quality time before their departure, or while my sister was diagnosed with her own cancer (she is doing very well and starts her chemo on Monday 1st May).  I now see how leaving work for the unknown was probably one of the best decisions I have ever made, even if it was a work which I deeply enjoyed.

I still have over two weeks to finish my Camino, but I now appreciate more deeply that any expectations I may have as to where the Camino will lead is a fruitless exercise.  She has plans to enlighten me on her terms, and on her time.  My desire to control doesn’t open me to vulnerability, on the contrary.  My desire to control an outcome is what makes me vulnerable.  Letting go IS the path.  After all, El Camino is known as a pilgrimage, not a trek or bush walk.

On behalf of my family, thank you all once again for your kind and generous condolences and good wishes.  Cannot tell you how your words and encouragement have helped me walk through dark days.

I have made a short video collage using one of my favourite Cuban singers, hopefully conveying what this week has meant to me. I hope you feel what I feel from the photos and music.  Gracias. Buen Camino.