The Long Road

When I started my three month sabbatical, I was wondering what I’d call my blog.  I was wanting something relevant, but short enough to fit into one line.  So I asked myself, think on why I’m embarking on this sabbatical; to reunite with distant family, to walk El Camino, to find some spiritual awakening lying underneath my work life.  After some false starts, I thought of and stuck with “Falling Awake”; as somehow I felt how I was alive but not entirely awake to my inner self and feelings.  Little did I know, however, just how relevant this title would be, how now on my fifth week (well to be specific, four weeks and five days) I’ve arrived into Santiago de Campostela with its true understanding.

While my expectations from my Sabbatical were varied, I never once lost sight of what Gerald told me (he not only walked El Camino, he started near Paris, making it 1,600 relative to my meagre 800 kms).  He told me that hold on to your expectations, but hold them loosely as the Camino will have its own plans.  My spiritual journey expectations have been fulfilled, it’s just that the Camino wrote down unforeseen chapters, her own authorship.  And now that I reflect, her wisdom leaves me speechless as her direction, however difficult, was what I needing.

Before I continue, I appreciate that not everyone may share my own interpretation on “spirituality”.  Some may confuse my own definition as a religious one.  While the Way of St James is clearly a religious pilgrimage, the Camino predates early Christian’s Way by nearly 1,000 years.  Druids and Celtics walked the same Camino as their own pilgrimage, albeit finishing at Finisterre (Latin for end of the world) the Western most point in continental Europe, instead of Santiago de Campostela.  They would see the sun set in the furthest most westerly point, then rid themselves of their worldly belongings to start afresh.  My point here is that the Camino has been a spiritual pilgrimage since the time of early Europeans, and here I was yet another pilgrim, coming from my own family roots in southern France.

While I wasn’t sure of what I wanted to rid myself from, I was sufficiently clued-in to know that I was missing “something”, even if I couldn’t exactly define what that something was.  I understood that within me lied some inner truths which needed to be discovered, like an archaeologist discovers the truths from ancient societies.  I knew of my spiritual domain, just not enough to define it.   Hence my Camino.

Before I divulge my personal archeological dig, however, I should remind you how within my many traits, one of my strongest is my deferring to my empathic self.  Whether it be seeing other people fall, or being present after they’ve lost a love one, I truly feel others pain.   And while I agree that being an empath is a positive trait, if left unfettered, it can equally be consuming.

Perhaps a reflection of my work with PROP (People Reaching Out to People, a suicide awareness campaign focused on unlearning the stigma associated with mental health), I found that my own inner strength was consumed, with the empath fuel tank needle now deep into the “red” zone.  I found myself dreading being present not because I wasn’t concerned over their grief, but because I wasn’t sure just how much my own presence would be of help if I was in as much pain as they were.

My own self doubt of my own inner core personal strength may now help you appreciate just how the challenges thrown on my spiritual road was the Camino’s way to test me and my perceived inner strength.

The first week she threw me the kind of wet and cold weather where blisters would be inevitable.  For me, they led to what the doctors said was an equivalent to a second degree burn on the ball of my foot. Time and resilience, coupled of course by medical treatment and friendly advice and guidance from loved ones, saw me through this.  I pushed on and caught up to my dear friends.

A few weeks later, I had to process the news of my beloved mother passing away.  And yet, through my tears and mourning, and once again friendly advice and encouragement from loved ones, I didn’t stop to attend my mother’s funeral.  In fact, as difficult as this decision was, I knew it was the correct one as my mother unbelievably made herself present to me by calling me to a chapel of Archangel Michael.  From that moment, I felt my mother was there with me, taking every step right by my side.  I didn’t fold.

But the hardest obstacle she threw in my direction, however, was when I heard just two days later how my beautiful sister in law passed away following her 13 year war with cancer.  I mourned her loss, but I ached even more for the additional pain my brother and his two wonderful children were now experiencing.  I couldn’t fathom it, the loss of our mother, then two days later the loss of his wife.  My brother Jorge and I are close, and being with him was as much a natural thought as the thought of breathing or having a heart beat.  I searched the web for flights, but following a call from my brother Jorge, he urged me NOT to quit, urging me to continue; saying he was sure that Paloma wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.  As the fighter and strong minded woman that Paloma is, there was no doubting my brother Jorge’s logic.  Difficult to swallow, of course, but I kept on determined to finish my 800 km pilgrimage.

I was confused, wondering just what kind of evil bitch does such kind a test on someone.  What were the Camino’s plans?!?  Pilgrimage my arse, this was more a barefoot stroll on broken glass.  But after each step, my uncertainty and confusion eventually began to settle, let alone processing my own mourning.  I could feel my mother’s presence, which for me was incredibly uplifting given her dementia and a large Pacific Ocean took that away from me too long ago.

The camino showed me my inner strength, one which allowed me to continue forward to complete this monumental walk.  But here is the catch.  Having always thought that my empath self was one which is there to serve others, the camino taught me that any inner strength we have is itself given to us by others.  It’s a spiritual form of “pay it forward”, if you like, where it’s the guidance, encouragement, and love from so many others which gives us the inner courage to push ahead.  And now having completed it, it was this newly externally nourished personal strength which I can rely on to help others.   And it fits beautifully to what my new friend in Lima, Coco Limon, said to me.  He said his own definition of “God” relates to the interconnection we get from others. Our spirituality is an amalgamation of others we’ve embraced.  Family and friends are truly are most valuable asset.

My own Camino was a personal one.  Somethings may resonate, much may not.  For me, however, my own challenge will be to keep these lessons close to my heart as my own journey continues, only this journey doesn’t necessarily have a city or place where it “ends”.  My good Peregrino friend Howard said it best, live on with the lessons even though regular life may try to redirect you back to the mundane.  My Camino may be over, but now I will continue by being present for others, as they themselves have been present for me.

Attached below is the YouTube link with a photo collage and video tribute to my mother.   As with all other video collage, the song here was purposefully chosen.  Please watch this video, as it completes my blog.  “The Long Road”, by Eddie Vedder.   This contrast’s my first song chosen when I kicked off this pilgrimage, “On The Road To Find Out”, by Cat Stevens.

“You're older than you used to be
The mirror weaves a tapestry
Of lines that dance and shimmer 'round your eyes
You stare back at a man, forever holding out his hand

As if the answer's going to fall out of the sky”. ~Eddie Vedder